From My Heart to the Feedings: A Personal Letter to Breastfeeding

Dear Breastfeeding,

We meet again.  You are one of my greatest challenges, one I never back down from and fight to figure out. You are the experience that showed me I am whole and perfectly made. I thought giving birth would be my greatest physical pain but wow was I wrong. You are the most painful. You make me raw every time. I am raw for as long as I choose to pump and nurse. I never imagined I would have to work so hard for something I thought should come easily. “Ay si tomate agua de chocolate o hugo de avena y ya” Dominican women told me when I started preparing to feed my children from my body. Nobody told me, milk may not flow. Nobody told me, it could be stuck in my breast for days. Nobody told me I would need hella support. Nobody told me how lonely and isolating this journey would be. Nobody told me I would want to quit every single day. I have been massaged, rubbed, tugged, heated, and milked by a friend, lactation consultants and my husband to get you out of me to try to get you to flow. My breasts are sacred but exposed. No longer mine. I have begged you to flow. I have begged you not to hurt so much. But no, you're a gift to be respected. You flow with care, kindness and what feels like a secret code. I wonder if it was as hard for Mami, my abuelas and their mothers. 

My first pump session, I was so happy something came out.

I wonder if you don’t flow because I am holding something in my chest. I wonder if I am carrying more than milk in my chest. I wonder if you are challenging me because I have to heal whatever is being held in my chest. I wonder if there is something with food or voice that is being expressed through my pregnancy. I thought the women in my family were loud, proud and leaders but we are clearly carrying something in our chest that is being passed down to the females to be felt and healed. I guess it will have to stop with me. Now that I have a daughter I definitely don’t want her to experience this. I would love for her to flow. Remove some DNA challenges if possible. All of my children are born with tight jaws. They clench. They grind their gums. Then their teeth. What is it with our voice? What is it I need to heal for you to flow?

I hate every second of pumping. There is something so unnatural about the pulling. It is rough as f^ck. It hurts like a motherf^cker. I don’t care how many different styles or sizes are created it f^cking sucks. But I am so grateful breast pumps exist because my children don’t latch well from jump. Latching is a struggle too. But when they latch is so special. They love you every time. They rest at my chest and smile once they are done. It is worth the challenge. I pump as soon as possible. I attach to a machine and begin to isolate. My breast are raw, bloody and stretched longer every time. My nipples are elastic dique and they pull through the flanges come si nada. Thankfully milk flows. This time I am getting lots of support and I hope my daughter can latch full time. I hope we can figure it out to get me to flow. Or maybe there is no flow and I am pushing for something that may not be my reality. Maybe I think it is possible because I compare myself to other women’s abundant liquid gold. Vamos a ver.

Side laying is the only position that has worked for me.

For reference, I have large pear shaped long ass breasts.

I love the power of you. I do believe in your essence. I believe my children are strong and healthy because of your properties but damn que lucha. I do believe you are God's last gift to women. To be able to carry children and then feed them is magical. There are no words to describe how amazing women truly are. The fact that all you really are is water then my body converts it into liquid gold is beautiful. I am a creator. I was made to multiply everything I touch. I was made to turn nothing into something every time. That is not lost on me. I am in awe of my power.

You are my greatest challenge but not impossible. You have taught me my resilience. My dedication when I really want something. This time you taught me I can push through. I am pumping, nursing and pulling while juggling three toddlers and one newborn. I am fighting so hard not to lose you or is it me I am afraid to lose? What am I really holding on to? Every postpartum my breasts fall a little more. My breasts have cracked, bled and held enough milk to make me sick. Yet, here I am begging and pleading with you to flow. I would love to pump for at least six months. Get a small stash to have milk for one year. Maybe baby girl will latch and I will be on demand instead but we’ll see. Like everything else this process is one pump at a time. One day at a time. Late nights, non-stop, patience, amor, lots of water. Everything a flower needs. Constant reminder that I am rose. I am exhausted. I am annoyed. But I will not quit. I can’t quit. I got you so I will hold on. Thankfully, I have hella support from my husband. But still I gotta show up to the pump. I gotta allow myself to be raw. I am the one getting la madre pulled out of me. Coaching myself to see the gift instead of the burden. I get to breastfeed. It is a miracle. I am walking magic. I will not be defeated. Maybe it's my resistance. Maybe it's my false sense of control. Whatever it is, we meet again. I hate that I have to supplement. I get desperate and I feel the ultimate shame when I get baby formula. I hate baby formula. It smells. But again, gracias a Dios, it is an option too. I have ultimate access to feeding my child, I know. I hate that formula makes me feel as though I am not enough for my child. I hate that I beat myself up instead of being grateful I have all these options. I am learning I have tools and they are not a measurement of my worth. Worth que vaina. My entire life has been about my worth. You are teaching me my worth has nothing to do with what I provide. You have taught me I am not disposable. You continue to teach me, I am so much more than what I give.  

Wall pump, my kids running around. This postpartum I am not lonely while pumping but staying calm & relaxed adds to the challenge

Maybe the flow I achieve is enough and I have not learned to receive. Maybe I struggle with abundance. Maybe I need to heal my relationship with support and surrender. Maybe once I flow with Madre Earth she will flow through me too. Maybe I am holding on to something in my chest that has reached its limit y llego la hora to put it down and let it go. Respira that is what I keep telling myself. Just breathe and keep showing up. We meet again, old friend, what are you teaching me this last time?

With respect a tired Mama that will do what she gotta do punto,

V

Hands free pump in the middle of the day, showing up when I can while juggling 4 kids.